Byron Bay: Round Two: Return of the Daves

I spent this last weekend in Byron Bay to play in an invitation Rugby 7's tournament. The bus departed from Newcastle at 8:00AM. Upon boarding our leased chariot, I was promptly handed a beer and a rugby jersey, name on back "DAVE". This was a pretty good symbol of things to come.

Rules were established. Rugby jersey or no shirt must be worn at all times. When asked your name, you are to answer "Dave". When asked who Dave is, you are to answer "I'm Dave!". Chicks are sweet. Youngest player on tour, hereby called "Baby Dave" is not to allow "Softhands Dave/Incredible Dave/Inflatable Dave" (inflatable dude from the Incredibles wearing a Dave jersey) out of arms length at any time for the entire duration of tour. What happens on Rugby tour, stays on rugby tour. 10 hours and three pub stops later, we arrived in Byron.

If I tried to describe all of the hilarious things that happened in these wonderful three days, a few things would happen. I would wear myself out typing and probably have the longest post ever. I would become very frustrated with myself for getting way too much of what happened. I would also probably offend a lot of people, mostly Canadians, New Zealanders, and ugly chicks. Thusly, here are a few highlights.

Every night, Dave court was held and charges were levied against Daves. Most of these charges stemmed from "Conduct unbecoming of a Dave" or "Aggravated fraternization with University Rugby Girls". Having been placed on the Dave jury one night and presented with the case of a Dave being a terrible wingman, I suggest that he be bound hand and foot to another Dave until morning. That was probably the funniest night of the tour.

We played four games. There were some teams very serious about this tournament, but there are many teams that just go to have as much fun as possible. We are in the second category. There is over $20,000 in prize money available, and thus, some very serious teams show up and it is not worth getting bent out of shape over a loss.

The first game began and sure enough, we are matched up against a team of giant Fijians in very serious jerseys. They ran drills, stretched, huddled and warmed up before the game. We each had a beer. The game began. We did not do any chasing once it appeared they were going to score. They did things like punch us in the heads and other things that were completely not necessary when you're up 50-5. Thus, at halftime, a crucial strategic decision was made. Today was now "pants off Friday". Any Dave entering the game must first remove his rugby shorts.

This seemed to enrage the Fijians and every tackle now included an attempt to de-undie the Dave. Many things were seen by the crowd that should not have been seen. Married Dave got his torn clean off and was forced to do the walk of shame out of the game, half naked.

The story was the same the second game. Serious business, blah blah blah, we are not wearing pants and playing a man down, as Inflatable Dave entered the game. By this point, the Daves have drawn quite the crowd. There are big teams from international countries on surrounding fields being ignored while everyone laughs at the pantsless local guys. The tiniest Fijian got the ball as I was sprinting at him with full force. I tried to really, really smack him, but ended up knocking the wind out of myself harder than ever before. DAVE DOWN! I couldn't breathe or speak, and Doctor Dave was sent onto the field. As soon as he made it across the field (after explaining "I'm not the 8th man, I've still got my pants on!") I finally managed to regain my breath and I just got up and rejoined the game, prompting more laughter from the crowd.

Between the second and third games we headed to the ocean. We went for a quick swim in our rugby shorts, which are made of some amazing material which is apparently used by NASA for water retention purposes. I still think mine are wet from this incident.

The next day, we finally got into a fun game. The first half was semi-serious, but the the rules changed often in the second half. For a few minutes, speedwalking Rugby was played, where one foot must remain on the ground at both times and tackles were decided by rock-paper-scissors. There was also a period of no-hands rugby which resembled playing soccer with an egg. I also have to mention that I scored on a 60 metre try near the end of the first half. I picked the ball up off the ground, ran through one tackle, sidestepped another, and then ran a long distance, only to be confronted by a frowning, giant Fijian at the other end of the field. I was able to slide the ball over the try line whilst getting tossed. One of my team mates apparently called for a pass at some point during this run but then remembered that my brain is still programmed for American Football and I can't pass underhand anyways, and he yelled "Actually, just take it". Scoring this try was a key moment which I will explain later.

I had started the trip as "Seppo Dave/American Dave". I was then re-named "Cougar Dave". After this game, we headed to the ocean again. For a period of 15 minutes, I was called "Shameless Dave" as I went for a swim in my tighty-whities.

The first three times I fell asleep I woke up hogtied with giant zipties. The first two times I woke up in the process of. The first time it happened, I apparently had an indescribable look of profound terror on my face. The two Daves responsible looked at each other, wide eyed, not sure to continue or run, afraid that I was going to kill them or something. Haha. The last time, I managed to sleep through it entirely and woke up in the morning with my two legs now functioning as one leg.

The last night, I got revenge.

I rounded up Married Dave, Sarge Dave, and Duff Dave and took revenge on all of the other Daves that had participated. Two of the Daves were jumped and tied in their beds (one of which switched beds and was the wrong Dave, but we didn't know this until morning). Two of the upstairs rooms had their doorknobs tied together so that neither room had an exit. As soon as this was finished, I heard a toilet flush and married Dave, who we thought was in one of the rooms, walked out of the bathroom. I informed him that we would cut the tie and allow him back in, but we would be re-attaching it as soon as he was inside. He sighed, grabbed a Gatorade bottle, and walked into his room.

I was awakened the next morning by "BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! SNAP!" followed by the sound of a person urinating for about a minute and a half. He didn't use the Gatorade bottle after all!

On the ride back home, the bus was stopped about an hour and a half outside of Newcastle for the nudie run. All Daves that did not score a try and/or prevented repeated offenses were made to strip down and run across a half K bridge while traffic raced by in both directions. Yeah, I was happy to have scored that try.

All in all, it's good to be back in Newcastle and get some sleep! I'm pretty sore from the whole weekend (attributed mostly to beach sumo wrestling, that was a poor idea).

The Daves have continued their legendary reign of terror. I have been invited back for the 10th year anniversary of the Daves. I bought a Rugby ball and the team signed it. I was also presented with an honorary shirt reading "I'm not drunk, I'm Australian", having been the first American to ever make the tour.